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the letter

July 27, 2005

Following is the letter I wrote to my sisters. They were 20,18 and 12 when I was born. I am putting this down not because I am currently processing it, but because I hope it will help others and I believe in the end I can show God working through all this mess.

July 19, 2004
.
(I will withold their names)

It is very hard to know where to start with this letter. But to give you a warning, I am writing this for my benefit. Some of the things may not be rational or based in truth, but are feeling that I must let go of.

I have struggled with allowing intimacy with anyone due to growing up in such a traumatic environment. It has and is affecting my relationship with Kim. For so long I have been determined to not let my past determine my future. That I would not allow myself to be an alcoholic, in a family that fought, even to lose my temper. I have come to realize that I am greatly flawed by my past. That I exhibit some of the very same behaviors that hurt me so much. Such as making those I love feel as if they are not wanted. That any problem is their fault. I have suppressed feeling that it (Mama and Daddy) was my fault. I have also suppressed the hurt that I was not wanted. I know that my anger at Mama is palatable. I will write her as well, but feel that maybe I should write you first. Maybe we all need healing.

I have come to realize that I am hurt by all of you. I feel that you should have rescued me. That how could you leave a child in that environment? I feel rejected, unworthy, and abandoned. I know this may not make logical sense that you may have been just fleeing for your own lives. But please allow me to say it. I don’t know if you know how bad it was, or if it was always like that. Nightly I saw my parents chase each other with fire pokers, hold guns to each others heads, scream unspeakable things. It’s too painful for me to type.

I have put off writing this to the point where I have to. I want to forgive you, whether you actually did anything wrong or not, I don’t know. But I think I transfer some of my fear of rejection to those that I love. I have to go back and resolve this before I will ever be able to really love someone else. Writing these 4 paragraphs is exhausting. Feel free to respond, ask questions, and share how you have dealt with this. I learned from Mama that we are supposed to deal with problems by trudging on and not letting them get the best of us. That is not always best. It sure didn’t serve her well all those years.

My spirit I fear was lost as an early child, in some ways I was never able to be a child and so I struggle to accept responsibilities now. I hurt to even send this to you. I hope you can receive it in love. I hope it will help me to heal the wound I feel.

Their response next.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. July 27, 2005 12:18 pm

    Tommy – You are very brave and courageous to share your struggles and painful past with us and we commend you and hold you up before the Lord for full healing for yourself and in all of your relationships.

    God bless you.

    Dee

  2. July 27, 2005 2:08 pm

    Tommy,
    Wow, that took a lot of courage and I saw myself in your writing.
    I need to take off my armour and just be me. Self love is vital and you are going to get there my friend.

    God has you in the palm of His hand.

    Karen

  3. July 27, 2005 3:13 pm

    You miss a couple of days in blog-land and you are waaayy behind.

    Thanks for the glimpse into the real Tommy. While I know it is painful for you to re-live, perhaps it does give us all a picture of how God works in our( this time your) lives.

  4. July 30, 2005 10:35 am

    Praying for you.

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