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A view into their lives

July 29, 2005

Some things I learned.

It turned out that to my knowledge (my memories are few) I was never physically abused as they were. It was a different time, but being beaten with the buckle end of a belt because you cried when you were spanked. “Don’t cry, its weak” they were told.

Apparently we all shared in being drug out bed to witness the fighting.

One was with my father when “Pop” was found dead (he was my great-grandfather). She was “not allowed” to cry even then and not allowed to talk about it.

They answered so many question that I had about the past. And about “key words” or names that my parents had developed into a sort of shorthand in fighting. A name yelled over and over, I remember wondering who this was. One in particular it turned out was the mistress of my father’s father. Apparently Grand Daddy loved this woman and wanted a divorce. Grandma (who was my dear friend and I will have to write more about her later) refused to grant the divorce. She was college educated but feared she would never be able to provide for all the kids. So this dual family situation went on for a long time. There are a lot of specifics that I learned that help solve so many weird tendencies. But I have to save that as well.

I also knew I had to face my mother. But that looked like a mountain in front of me. I had written a letter to her and I shared it with my sisters. I had not mailed it and wanted their opinion.

They looked on in shock as I read it. I could tell they thought I should find another way to deal with our mother. To tell her in no uncertain terms that I was wronged was not in our family vocabulary. She had always said that she “did the best she could” living with an alcoholic. I had come to realize that it was not the best she could do. It was unacceptable.

I want to say in case you come across this and have not gone back to read the last week or so, that this is not a venting of wrongs. I am not looking for pity. I hope that I can show how God worked in my life. At this point in the story he already was working wonders. I had come to realize my role in my marriage. I had apologized to my wife for trying to control her. I had been able to tell her that I would support her in ANY decision she made regarding her mental health. We were on the road to healthy.

I intend to share my dealing with my mother next.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 29, 2005 12:27 pm

    Tommy,
    I am crying.
    If my ex husband had realized what you have realized, we could have made it work. I know now he was controlling because he was insecure.

    I discovered his father had been unfaithful to his mother, and perhaps he went through similar circumstances.

    Praise God you are whole and sharing your story, to help someone else.

    Thanks brother.

  2. July 29, 2005 1:34 pm

    You’re sharing and talking about some really tough things to even listen to (read), much less experience. But, I’m glad God was also working in your life (and in those around you) for good. We truly thank God for that.

  3. July 30, 2005 10:39 am

    Tommy, you have guts. You are the real deal. Thanks.

  4. July 30, 2005 1:33 pm

    Tommy,

    Wow! I was gone for a week, so I am catching up on some blogs today. Yours blew me away!

    It is very brave to face your past. Writing your sisters, and their response is a beautiful example of what can happen.

    I was wondering if you ever have been involved in an ACOA group?

    Keep moving forward! With greater understanding comes the will to forgive.

  5. August 3, 2005 2:38 pm

    You’re being really quiet this week, so far, Tommy. Hope everything is okay and that you are (probably) busy with work and all. I’m missing you!

  6. February 6, 2006 8:43 am

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