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More than I could have dreamed

August 8, 2005


Things healed. I believe that I had to come to a realization that I was a victim. I don’t dwell there, but if I had not admitted that it was not my fault, I would have never healed. Like an alcoholic not admitting the addiction, I had to have that as my first step. It was not my fault. I was placed in situations that a child should not face. I tried to be a peacemaker when that is not a child’s job.

I came to realize some the very good things that I (we) were doing with our kids. At the time I did a lot of drawing in mcounselingng sessions to express things. I drew what my home looked like at age 8. I drew what our home looked like last night. At the time the Olympics were on and we each night would all lay in bed together and watch the results as the kids dropped off to sleep. That was all I had ever dreamed of. I had it and didn’t even realize it.

I also would not have healed if I had not prayed to Jesus to come into my heart and heal the wound, whatever it takes Lord. Some of you may be like me and were taught it is wrong to pray to Jesus. “we are to pray to the father”. Stephen prayed to Jesus. So there is your precedent. I have found great power in praying to Jesus. He did clean out the old hurt and healed my heart. I only recently realized that when I was praying desperate prayers for God to place the burden on me instead of on Kim, that he answered that. As I struggled with the issues of the past, the weight lifted off of her. “God works in mysterious ways” is something I used to hear a lot. Maybe we need to hear it more. His ways are beyond my understanding. But I know that he moves and works in my life.

I mentioned my mother crying the other night. I can’t express how un like her it is to show that emotion. We had just watch a movie that I find extremely profound. The movie is called I am David.

David grows up in a prison camp after WWII and escapes on a journey to freedom. I don’t want to ruin it for you so skip this paragraph if you don’t want to know. He is lead by instructions and memories of what he is to do. “Trust no one” “Blend in to a crowd”. David gets some breaks by meeting people who help him. But he is very sad and lonely. At the end he meets a woman painter who paints him near Lake Como in Italy. She takes him home and tells what she sees in the painting. A lonely boy. A boy whose eyes are very dark, they have seen too much. But I can’t see much more because he doesn’t want me to see more. He tells her he wants to tell her everything, can he trust her”. He tells and the next day in the village they meet up at the book store after some time a part where he ventures into the church. He tells her he has seen this particular book before during his travels. “David, that is wonderful book about a woman whose family was taken to a concentration camp, but one of the guards knew her and arranged her escape to Denmark” As she tells this David turns the book over and recognizes the face of his mother. In the last scene David is reunited with his mother at the airport. He says “I am David” and she says “I know”

The movie to me echos truth in that the fear of trusting someone kept David alive, but not really living. There are bad people but if we don’t risk getting hurt we will never really be intimate. We will not love and be loved if we keep our secrets. And sometimes taking that chance, and telling what your afraid to tell will open up doors you thought would never be opened.
There are thousands of stories I could tell but this is as brief as I can tell mine and make sense of it.

Things today are as rich and healthy as I could ever hope, no, they are more rich and healthy than I could have imagined.

God is good!

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 8, 2005 1:02 pm

    Thanks Tommy, this hit me where I needed it…in the seat of the pants.

    I glamorize secrets.

  2. August 8, 2005 5:40 pm

    Hey, Tommy – Thanks so much for the wonderful “conclusion” to your long and difficult journey.

    When you say “[these days] are more rich and healthy than I could have imagined,” it gives us all encouragement and increases our faith in the goodness of God and His abundant love for us.

    Thanks.

    P. S. I was just in the video store a couple of days ago looking at the movie “I Am David” and reading about it, trying to figure out if it was something we wanted to see. Now I know it is and will get it next time I’m in there. Thanks so much for telling us about it.

  3. August 13, 2005 3:14 pm

    Tommy, It’s hard for me to know what to say. I can identify in some ways with your journey, other ways I can only sympathize. In all of it I rejoice that you have found healing. He is a magnificent healer, and your heart is a wonderful testimony to that truth.

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